There's more than a lot of truth
here! The descriptions are quite accurate!
SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in
about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'. Will easily
wind a tee shirt off your back.
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted
project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing
could get to it.
Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off
bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your
shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large
pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after
you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. Also
excels at amputations.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the
crap you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt;
but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common
slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate
the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying
to hit. Also very effective at fingernail removal.
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. These can
also be used to initiate a trip to the emergency room so a doctor
can sew up the damage.
METAL LATHE:
Excellent for making long strands of razor sharp metal that slither slowly down to the floor and wrap around your legs only to be caught up and yanked rapidly back into the rotating components creating a band saw effect on legs and hands.
SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need.
