FE Power Forums
FE Power Forums => Non-FE Discussion Forum => Topic started by: cjshaker on February 02, 2016, 12:21:45 AM
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A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife:
Husband: I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Oh, 5 something . . . .
Sergeant: Build?
Husband: Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: I Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: It changes according to season.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Maybe a dress, or blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: Did she go in a car?
Husband: Yes.
Sergeant: What kind of car was it?
Husband: A 1967 R code Fairlane with a 525 HP, 12:1 compression 427 Sideoiler, dual 600cfm Holley four barrels, Jade Black basecoat/clear paint , with a wide ratio 4 speed Toploader transmission, 3.89 Detroit Locker, and black premium interior...and it has a very thin scratch on the left door 2 inches above the stripe.
At this point the husband started hyperventilating And breaking down.
Sergeant: Don't worry sir, we’ll find your car.
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There a lot of truth in that story. ;)
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I shamelessly pirated the following jokes from the bullet - Jay
NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one
warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible
ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my
5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady
isn't wearing a seat belt!"
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HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the
bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in
the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the
garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment,
then ran to my bathroom and came out with my
toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too
then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
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OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed
his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,
"The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."
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KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come
out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone
rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child
said to her mother.. Then she added, "Mommy can't
come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."
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MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found
himself in the women's locker room. When he was
spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little
boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the
matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
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POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I
answered and continued writing the report. "My
mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told
her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot
toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
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POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police
van in front of the station. As I gathered my
equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I
saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog
you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I
replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then
towards the back of the van. Finally he said,
"What'd he do?"
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ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers
lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my
4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was
unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair
of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced
myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she
merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
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DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a
party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she
warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And
why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives
you a headache the next morning."
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SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her
mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't
let me talk!"
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BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was
fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I
found", the boy called out." What have you got
there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!
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Jay, Jay.....Pulleeezzeee stick to engine building, eh? The kids would starve on your comedic talents! LOL
Here are some really funny jokes!
http://metro.co.uk/2015/11/26/the-ten-funniest-jokes-ever-according-to-science-5527698/
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So my son and I are riding around in my 63.5 Galaxie.... We stop at a red light, and this guy with a fancy Harley Davidson motorcycle with this REALLY hot blonde sitting on the back pulls up to me.
He looks over and is scoping out the car. He says, "Nice man, want to trade?"
I said, "Yeah, but you have to make sure he does his home work."
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Now a few more, nowadays the new guys are getting more vanilla, but even a decade ago the kinda guy that worked on a tugboat was an outlaw, someone that was unemployable on land. The deckhands in particular were often sourced from bars that were near a harbor. Most of them were intensely stupid and really only good with exacting directions. (these actually happened)
So we send this new deckhand to the grocery store to get food and supplies for the next two weeks as we are headed offshore.
He comes back with 25 cases of beer and 100lbs of potatoes.
I am on the top deck watching him unload the truck.
The older more experienced deckhand comes out and screams at the new guy, "You IDIOT what the fk are we gonna do with that many gawdam potatoes!!
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So we'd been offshore with no sight of land for well over 20 days. Was the summer of 2007. I'm on the Tug Robert and we're pulling into Morehead City with a crane and a barge. We were all really tired and worn down, really needed a lil time near land and maybe get a few hours of sleep. So we're all gathering in the wheelhouse to see the harbor we are pulling into. My friend Roger is the Capt, I'm the Chief, and I can't remember the name of the deckhand.
So Capt Roger, and myself are looking out the window while the deckhand is using the binoculars.
Now if ya never been to Morehead City in summer, there are a TON of recreational boats and girls in skimpy swimsuits, etc.... just what we needed to see.
So the Deckhand is scoping them all out, and he's commenting on all the girls he is seeing. He musta hit the jackpot cuz he went nuts, "Whooooweeee, lookit dem girls! man o man, wow."
So Capt Roger says, "Dammit man, let me see."
Roger takes the binoculars and looks while the deckhand excitedly points to the boat. Capt says, "Jesus man, those girls are probably in high school."
The deckhand gets an angry look on his face and grabs the binoculars back and screams,
"I don't give a fck how smart they are."
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I liked the police jokes. Kids and officers always end up with something amusing.
And Drew, I have to ask, is that first one a true story? That sounds like something I would have said 8) I'll bet you have a thousand good stories to tell..lol
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No, the first one is not true, or at least not with me.... a guy on the HAMB said it year ago and I thought it was hysterical so I stuffed in my head.
The latter ones are indeed true.
Yeah, ocean stories are insane and there are many. Get me, Capt Roger and a few other dudes together with some beer and the stories issue forth in abundance.
Some are funny, some are sad, etc. I need to write them all down before I forget them, might make a good book someday.
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So my son and I are riding around in my 63.5 Galaxie.... We stop at a red light, and this guy with a fancy Harley Davidson motorcycle with this REALLY hot blonde sitting on the back pulls up to me.
He looks over and is scoping out the car. He says, "Nice man, want to trade?"
I said, "Yeah, but you have to make sure he does his home work."
-------------------------------------------------------
Now a few more, nowadays the new guys are getting more vanilla, but even a decade ago the kinda guy that worked on a tugboat was an outlaw, someone that was unemployable on land. The deckhands in particular were often sourced from bars that were near a harbor. Most of them were intensely stupid and really only good with exacting directions. (these actually happened)
So we send this new deckhand to the grocery store to get food and supplies for the next two weeks as we are headed offshore.
He comes back with 25 cases of beer and 100lbs of potatoes.
I am on the top deck watching him unload the truck.
The older more experienced deckhand comes out and screams at the new guy, "You IDIOT what the fk are we gonna do with that many gawdam potatoes!!
-------------------------------------------------------
So we'd been offshore with no sight of land for well over 20 days. Was the summer of 2007. I'm on the Tug Robert and we're pulling into Morehead City with a crane and a barge. We were all really tired and worn down, really needed a lil time near land and maybe get a few hours of sleep. So we're all gathering in the wheelhouse to see the harbor we are pulling into. My friend Roger is the Capt, I'm the Chief, and I can't remember the name of the deckhand.
So Capt Roger, and myself are looking out the window while the deckhand is using the binoculars.
Now if ya never been to Morehead City in summer, there are a TON of recreational boats and girls in skimpy swimsuits, etc.... just what we needed to see.
So the Deckhand is scoping them all out, and he's commenting on all the girls he is seeing. He musta hit the jackpot cuz he went nuts, "Whooooweeee, lookit dem girls! man o man, wow."
So Capt Roger says, "Dammit man, let me see."
Roger takes the binoculars and looks while the deckhand excitedly points to the boat. Capt says, "Jesus man, those girls are probably in high school."
The deckhand gets an angry look on his face and grabs the binoculars back and screams,
"I don't give a fck how smart they are."
I'm not sure how you managed to not piss yourself from laughing. :)
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4 Nuns perish in a car accident.
They get to the pearly gates and there is St.Peter.
"Before I let you in do you have any sins to confess?"
First nun says, "well,... when I was walking in the garden the back of my hand accidentally brushed the gardeners penis."
St Peter says, "You have been a good nun. Wash the back of your hand in the holy water over there and in you go."
Second nun says, "well....actually....my whole hand has been around the gardeners penis."
St Peter says, "Hmmmm...well your good deeds far out way your transgression. Wash your whole hand in the holy water over there and in you go."
While this was happening St Peter notices the 4th nun has jumped in front of the 3rd. Why did you do that, enquires St Peter. Nun says, "well if you think I'm going to gargle that after she's washed her arse in it you have another thing coming!"
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Now THAT'S funny! ;)
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Bit of a sailor tale.
We were in Amsterdam. It's pretty much like you imagine. ::)
So me and my bubby are on the canal and we decide to take in a live show.
It's a girl on girl show and they really put on quite a show.
So the last skit this guy comes out dressed as a monkey with a huge rubber dong
hanging off him. Well you know what his doing with it.
Anyways he has this big sh*t eating grin on his monkey mask.
So just as the scene is wrapping up he turns to the audience and doesn't that big rubber thing
start shooting a viscous liquid out into the crowd.
Well there are about 10 to 15 guys diving for cover.
Best show I ever seen. :)
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How disturbing :o Although I must say that I wish there'd been a video of Howie diving for cover...
Let's try to keep it clean from here on out, folks. This is supposed to be a family-friendly site ;)
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And i that was just to learn you
How to play erotic roulette
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Let's try to keep it clean from here on out, folks. This is supposed to be a family-friendly site ;)
Yeah, I was beginning to regret starting this thread. I have to sleep at night! :o
That makes 2 thread topics I need to stay away from posting....jokes and air filters ;D
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Yeah, the air filter note is just as funny. I'll throw in anything about dual oil filters as being absolutely the cat's meow (get it?) for any and all applications.
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an air filter, oil filter, gas filter & a horse walk into a bar... bartender says to the horse, why the long face? The horse says I just found out my friends are Frams.
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I know one guy who will like that one LOL!
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Here's one appropriate for this upcoming Sunday:
What do O J Simpson and Peyton Manning have in common?
Three words: Slow White Bronco ;)
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Not a joke,this happened at my work.
About 10 years ago the USAF purchased a new trainer,the T6. The T6 has an On Board Oxygen Generation System (OBOGS). The early internal programming for the OBOGS required that the pilots seal their face mask properly before the OBOGS is activated,well the pilots are cool,so they taxi with their masks hanging,this would give a fail indication and the pilots would return to parking and abort the mission. About half the pilots would insists that the aircraft had a problem and the mask would not cause this problem , we insisted that the maintenance manual spelled out exactly how the system worked and it will not test correctly if the pilots mask are down.
This back and forth lasted about a month.
One day a partially stubborn pilot ground aborted 3 jets in a row so my co-worker and I decided it was time to end this. We went to the (his) squadron commander with our T.O. (maintenance manual) in hand , with all the pages and paragraphs marked and layed it on his desk. We explained for what seemed like the 100th time that the mask must be up , the commander read the test procedures ,then noticed one of several notes throughout the procedure "Failure to Perform this task may result in Pilot death" "Pilot Death? That's Me!" he said.
Without missing a beat my friend and co-worker, Paul said. "Oh yea that's why we don't get too close with you guys"
Should have seen that LT.Col's face.....priceless.
Never had a problem with OBOGS ground aborts due to self test fails after that.
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Nice! I love situational humor.
My ole buddy, Captain Bill was in the air force in the early 60's, he was a welder. Anyway he was telling me that they had this 18 year old helper for him, ya know to be a GoFor and fire watch, etc.
Well Bill is about to weld so he says to the kid, "Hey, I'm about to strike an arc, so watch it."
He welds for a few minutes and stops, does some grinding and once again says, "Hey, I'm about to strike and arc, so watch it."
Back to welding but this time he feels a tugging at his shirt sleeve.
The kid says, "Bill, I just can't watch it anymore, it's freakin killing my eyes."
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Oh man, these military n00b stories are the best!
I had a co-worker back in MI who had been an Army Signal Corps officer. The new privates were always trying to look good in front of the officers, so Terry always took advantage of it. He told one guy that a REAL Signal Corps soldier could strip the heavy combat telephone wire with his teeth.
When the private bit into the wire, Terry looked over and nodded at the Corporal holding the field telephone. A few cranks on the phone, and private got a lesson on the 20kV ring voltage :o
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Under "Kids say the darndest things" and absolutely true, really happened.
One of my daughters grade 1 classmates fell off the slide at school this year and broke her leg. So about a week later, I say to my wife "The clutch disc for the '39 is in, I have to run down to Deckers and pick it up." My daughter looks at me dead serious, and says "Alexandria had to get a clutch too. Daddy, did you hurt your leg?" Just cracked me up.
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Ha! Kids do say the darndest things. I'll throw in a "true story" about my boy.
One evening, a short period after a one-sided talk with my son about the proper times to relieve oneself of "intestinal gaseous pressures", my wife and I plus our 3 kids were all sitting around the supper table. My son starts to get up and leave right in the middle of the meal. Since it was customary for us all to sit there until the meal was over, I asked him where he was going. He stopped dead in his tracks, looking at me with an "uh-oh" look on his face. After pausing for just a second, he quietly said "To fart". Good enough answer for me!
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Kids do say the darndest things. Two days ago we we're driving around and my 5 year old daughter says " It's been a long time since the ice cream lady has been to our house". Me and my wife then explained to her that she was in a car accident and died, which is true. My five year old then said to us "so when are we going to get another one?"
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Funny story Cory
but what's an ice cream lady and where do I get one. ???
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When we go to church, my 3-year old daughter likes to use the water fountain before we leave. She thinks it's a big deal, she scoots the stool over, gets up, pushes the button, then drinks. On the way out to the car the other morning, I was carrying her and she said, "Daddy, I really like that mouth washer in there...."
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Hehe.... good thing you aren't Catholic, she'd wonder why everyone is dipping their hands in the water fountain.
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pushing the envelope a little with this old joke....when lorrana bobbit cut off her husbands tallywhacker & threw it out of her pickup trucks window, it actually hit the windshield of a car following her & rolled off. Inside the car was a father & his 4 year old daughter. The daughter said, daddy what was that? The father thought for a second thinking how was he going to explain this. After all his daughter was only an innocent 4 year old. He eventually said, honey, that was a bug. She looked up at him & said, well daddy, that bug sure had a big penis...
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Fastback, CJ, Brent, love the kid stories. Man they are funny, never a dull moment. I am going with my daughters school today with about 40 of the little buggers, we are all going tobogganing on Seymour Mountain, should be a gas! :)
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This guy fights back with gusto.
(http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q128/ScotiaFE/th_Viral%20Video%20UK%20%20Gangster%20crab%20-%20YouTube_zpsyy2l5yy9.mp4) (http://i135.photobucket.com/albums/q128/ScotiaFE/Viral%20Video%20UK%20%20Gangster%20crab%20-%20YouTube_zpsyy2l5yy9.mp4)
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a polar bear was driving down the highway, and his engine light came on. He stopped in a small town and pulled into a garage. He talked to the mechanic there and asked if they could look at his car.. the mechanic told the polar bear it would be an hour to have a look, so the bear asked if there was a restaurant he could go have something to eat. the mechanic sent him down the street to a little diner so off he went.
Hour or so later he got back to the garage and asked about the car. the mechanic came over and said, "you blew a seal", the polar bear got red faced and said, "no, it mayonnaise I promise"
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This blonde is driving her classic car when the engine starts to spit and sputter.
She pulls the car into a mechanics shop.
He says it'll be a little while and to go sit in the waiting room for 30 minutes.
She comes back 30 minutes later and says, "So what was the problem?"
He says, "Just crap in the carburetor."
She says, "uhh, ok, how often do I need to do that?"
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OK - This is a slippery slope (especially if you have a blonde wife!!)
Why was the blonde happy when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in only six months?
Because the side of the box said 3 to 5 years!
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Bill, your wife isn't blonde, you've got nothing to worry about ;D ;D
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
-- Bigfoot has been sighted.
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Too lazy to type
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Bill, your wife isn't blonde, you've got nothing to worry about ;D ;D
What's the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
-- Bigfoot has been sighted.
The fact that Tracy isn't blonde means I have PLENTY to worry about!
I haven't heard the Bigfoot one. I'll have to add that to the repertoire...
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a polar bear was driving down the highway, and his engine light came on. He stopped in a small town and pulled into a garage. He talked to the mechanic there and asked if they could look at his car.. the mechanic told the polar bear it would be an hour to have a look, so the bear asked if there was a restaurant he could go have something to eat. the mechanic sent him down the street to a little diner so off he went.
Hour or so later he got back to the garage and asked about the car. the mechanic came over and said, "you blew a seal", the polar bear got red faced and said, "no, it mayonnaise I promise"
ROFLMAO!!