A good joke (just don't tell your wife)...

[shady]

an air filter, oil filter, gas filter & a horse walk into a bar... bartender says to the horse, why the long face? The horse says I just found out my friends are Frams.

[jayb]

I know one guy who will like that one LOL!

[WConley]

Here's one appropriate for this upcoming Sunday:

What do O J Simpson and Peyton Manning have in common?

Three words:  Slow White Bronco   

[Cyclone03]

Not a joke,this happened at my work.

About 10 years ago the USAF purchased a new trainer,the T6. The T6 has an On Board Oxygen Generation System (OBOGS). The early internal programming for the OBOGS required that the pilots seal their face mask properly before the OBOGS is activated,well the pilots are cool,so they taxi with their masks hanging,this would give a fail indication and the pilots would return to parking and abort the mission. About half the pilots would insists that the aircraft had a problem and the mask would not cause this problem , we insisted that the maintenance manual spelled out exactly how the system worked and it will not test correctly if the pilots mask are down.
This back and forth lasted about a month.
One day a partially stubborn pilot ground aborted 3 jets in a row so my co-worker and I decided it was time to end this. We went to the (his) squadron commander with our T.O. (maintenance manual)  in hand , with all the pages and paragraphs marked and layed it on his desk. We explained for what seemed like the 100th time that the mask must be up , the commander read the test procedures ,then noticed one of several notes  throughout the procedure "Failure to Perform this task may result in Pilot death" "Pilot Death? That's Me!" he said.
Without missing a beat my friend and co-worker, Paul said. "Oh yea  that's why we don't get too close with you guys"

Should have seen that LT.Col's face.....priceless.

Never had a problem with OBOGS ground aborts due to self test fails after that.

[Drew Pojedinec]

Nice!  I love situational humor.

My ole buddy, Captain Bill was in the air force in the early 60's, he was a welder.  Anyway he was telling me that they had this 18 year old helper for him, ya know to be a GoFor and fire watch, etc.

Well Bill is about to weld so he says to the kid, "Hey, I'm about to strike an arc, so watch it."
He welds for a few minutes and stops, does some grinding and once again says, "Hey, I'm about to strike and arc, so watch it."
Back to welding but this time he feels a tugging at his shirt sleeve.
The kid says, "Bill, I just can't watch it anymore, it's freakin killing my eyes."

[WConley]

Oh man, these military n00b stories are the best!

I had a co-worker back in MI who had been an Army Signal Corps officer.  The new privates were always trying to look good in front of the officers, so Terry always took advantage of it.  He told one guy that a REAL Signal Corps soldier could strip the heavy combat telephone wire with his teeth.

When the private bit into the wire, Terry looked over and nodded at the Corporal holding the field telephone.  A few cranks on the phone, and private got a lesson on the 20kV ring voltage 

[falcongeorge]

Under "Kids say the darndest things" and absolutely true, really happened.
One of my daughters grade 1 classmates fell off the slide at school this year and broke her leg. So about a week later, I say to my wife "The clutch disc for the '39 is in, I have to run down to Deckers and pick it up." My daughter looks at me dead serious, and says "Alexandria had to get a clutch too. Daddy, did you hurt your leg?" Just cracked me up.

[cjshaker]

Ha! Kids do say the darndest things. I'll throw in a "true story" about my boy.

One evening, a short period after a one-sided talk with my son about the proper times to relieve oneself of "intestinal gaseous pressures", my wife and I plus our 3 kids were all sitting around the supper table. My son starts to get up and leave right in the middle of the meal. Since it was customary for us all to sit there until the meal was over, I asked him where he was going. He stopped dead in his tracks, looking at me with an "uh-oh" look on his face. After pausing for just a second, he quietly said "To fart". Good enough answer for me!

[fastback 427]

Kids do say the darndest things. Two days ago we we're driving around and my 5 year old daughter says " It's been a long time since the ice cream lady has been to our house". Me and my wife then explained to her that she was in a car accident and died, which is true. My five year old then said to us "so when are we going to get another one?"

[ScotiaFE]

Funny story Cory
but what's an ice cream lady and where do I get one.

[blykins]

When we go to church, my 3-year old daughter likes to use the water fountain before we leave.  She thinks it's a big deal, she scoots the stool over, gets up, pushes the button, then drinks.  On the way out to the car the other morning, I was carrying her and she said, "Daddy, I really like that mouth washer in there...."

[Drew Pojedinec]

Hehe.... good thing you aren't Catholic, she'd wonder why everyone is dipping their hands in the water fountain.

[shady]

pushing the envelope a little with this old joke....when lorrana bobbit cut off her husbands tallywhacker & threw it out of her pickup trucks window, it actually hit the windshield of a car following her & rolled off. Inside the car was a father & his 4 year old daughter. The daughter said, daddy what was that? The father thought for a second thinking how was he going to explain this. After all his daughter was only an innocent 4 year old. He eventually said, honey, that was a bug. She looked up at him & said, well daddy, that bug sure had a big penis...

[falcongeorge]

Fastback, CJ, Brent, love the kid stories. Man they are funny, never a dull moment. I am going with my daughters school today with about 40 of the little buggers, we are all going tobogganing on Seymour Mountain, should be a gas!

[ScotiaFE]

This guy fights back with gusto.